Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You Might Also Like
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Duolingo getting serious.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.