ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair