Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*lint rolls you awake*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I can’t stop watching this.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Always…
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s