Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
A man of commitment.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.