You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Check out the legs on this baby
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.