When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Software Development ⛵️
🤭😂
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked