Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”