My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence