You Might Also Like
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?