Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
This makes total sense…
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Seems kinda suspicious
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.