At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
is this store having a stroke wtf
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws