I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“The Perfect Relationship”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose