I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
oh my gosh!!
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
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