Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
Many hands make light work
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.