5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
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Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.