Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.