Ironic
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When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.