In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Nothing.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*