Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?