MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
watergate? u mean a dam??