Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it