My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
OH. COME. ON.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…