*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}