This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
You Might Also Like
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
The Onion called it…again.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.