I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
The happy life.. 😊
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty