As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.