just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
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It was worth a shot 😂
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say