Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”