Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.