Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.