My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
excuse me
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.