The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If I had an hour to live I鈥檇 spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I鈥檇 be happy to die
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
WHY ISN鈥橳 THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!馃憞
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy