I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
This meal prepping shit is easy
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
dictator is short for richard potato
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.