Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“The Perfect Relationship”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money