Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did