Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there