[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.