My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.