I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.