I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
accurate
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken