me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?