STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Note to self: I am a note
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”