me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
A family that plays together cheats.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that