My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.