Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Oh my God.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.