i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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Well, that should do it
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”