My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
You Might Also Like
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
next question.
my nickname in college
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.