[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.