Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I need a headline like this
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
New Tinder profile.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”