cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Great acting.. 😂
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.